Numb

The past several months, I’ve lived as nothing but a blob, only doing as much to simply exist. I don’t have any feelings or will to create, I just kind of exist in this space.

Maybe this is nice for some, to do nothing, but to me this is pure agony. My hand won’t move, my mind can’t create passion or motivation for anything.

In a fit of rage, I did come up with an entire Kickstarter in a week, because I saw someone else’s Kickstarter (who I hate) succeed, therefore I was mad enough to magically conjure motivation to do something.

But as the old song goes, immediately afterwards my brain returned to a pile of shit and other than that, nothing good has come from me in a long time.

Continue reading Numb

why did i spend so long existing like this? what were all those countless nights of staying up too late working, the times where i’ve shamed myself for taking a break/enjoying myself to go back to work, the times where i forgo eating in favour of working

to be..what? continually mediocre as always, some worthless speck?

why did i try so hard? i’m done trying. it’s all a joke. i’m done trying and i’m done existing in this reality

the post where u witness my mental breakdown 😘

I went back to clean up some old posts on social media, one of which was from 2017 and I mentioned “I’m gonna stop drawing fanart and just draw what I like!”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

How many times do I keep telling myself that??? When will it stick????

Apparently never!!! I don’t ever learn!!

Continue reading the post where u witness my mental breakdown 😘

I’m tired of chasing the carrot.

Kentaro Miura, the author of Berserk, passed away yesterday, spurring discourse on how much he overworked himself, and how overworking really will kill you in the long run.

There has been some commentary along the lines of “I would sacrifice my health just to have my work be seen by others!”

There was a similar commentary I happened upon recently as well, in which a reminder was given, targeted at artists, to watermark images to prevent theft. The comments section was sprinkled with this: “If my artwork was stolen, I would be honoured. It would mean at least someone would’ve actually seen it, and liked it enough to steal it.”

The desperation!

The emptiness!

I felt it… and on some level, I related. The pained longing to have your work seen by anyone – anyone at all! – drives people to say this. How empty social media is, posting work to be consumed and for it to disappear into a void.

Yes, what an amazing feeling! To make that thing you worked hard on, only for it to be crushed by algorithms and apathy, what a ride!

Continue reading I’m tired of chasing the carrot.

Bad Tutorial

The entirety of 2020 I hated everything I drew and it got worse as the year went on. Here in 2021, my feelings haven’t changed and I still hate everything. I think it’s because my hands can’t match what my mind is envisioning, so I automatically assume the worst of everything placed on the canvas.

I bought two expensive art classes that I’m kind of banking all my hopes on for actually liking art again, one of my goals this year is to make something I actually like and don’t hate five seconds after making it or five seconds after it’s done . So far I haven’t achieved it yet. So I’m just kind of lying in wait for February for when the class starts. If I still hate everything after I finish both classes I dunno what I’ll do with myself, really. Probably just delete myself off the earth haha… anyway….

Continue reading Bad Tutorial

I’m Old, again.

My birthday was recently. I know I haven’t posted much on this blog this year. It’s because I haven’t really done anything this year or had much to say. Covid really did a number on us all. I would’ve normally liked to post my thoughts on a couple cons I went to for the first time, but yeah, no cons. So I’m just gonna have one long-ass rambling post.

Once again, I’m one year older, and my birthdays just remind me of how far behind I am from my peers, and how I can’t connect with anyone younger than the age of 25. I shake my stick at the whippersnappers and tell them to get off my fucking lawn.

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Art Fight 2020 Summary

This year was the first year I joined Art Fight. Art Fight is an annual art trading game where people draw each other’s characters (usually) as an “attack,” and the person in question can choose to “defend” against the attack by drawing the attacker’s character.

>mfw I found out what Art Fight actually was.
>mfw I found out what Art Fight actually was.

I had heard about it from a writers’ discord I’m in. My first impression was that people drew each other killing each others’ characters, which I thought was metal as fuck (literally “art fight”) and was excited to find some 19 year old girl’s bunny OC and draw it getting torn to shreds with sixty pellets of lead. When I found this was not the case, I actually felt really disappointed 😅 and thought the entire event was just a lame glorified thing to draw peoples’ OCs.

Continue reading Art Fight 2020 Summary

Perspective

A friend linked me a post on twitter and in the little promo blurb directly beneath the post was a link to their comic. They said they make 40-60 coloured panels a week, and work 8-10 hours on their comic every day. I decided to check it out, because I was dumbstruck… 8 hours a day on comics?!

The first thing that hit me was how simplistic the art was. The lines were rough, the characters were flat coloured with a simple soft shadow over most of them. The backgrounds were composed mostly of CSP brushes that were laid down very quickly. Not that any of this was a bad thing, because of the sheer amount of content that this person has to output. The art did its job to tell the story and anything more is just unnecessary polish.

But when I saw it, I felt… relief. Like a weight off my shoulders.

I felt okay.

Continue reading Perspective