why did i spend so long existing like this? what were all those countless nights of staying up too late working, the times where i’ve shamed myself for taking a break/enjoying myself to go back to work, the times where i forgo eating in favour of working

to be..what? continually mediocre as always, some worthless speck?

why did i try so hard? i’m done trying. it’s all a joke. i’m done trying and i’m done existing in this reality

the post where u witness my mental breakdown 😘

I went back to clean up some old posts on social media, one of which was from 2017 and I mentioned “I’m gonna stop drawing fanart and just draw what I like!”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

How many times do I keep telling myself that??? When will it stick????

Apparently never!!! I don’t ever learn!!

Continue reading the post where u witness my mental breakdown 😘

I’m tired of chasing the carrot.

Kentaro Miura, the author of Berserk, passed away yesterday, spurring discourse on how much he overworked himself, and how overworking really will kill you in the long run.

There has been some commentary along the lines of “I would sacrifice my health just to have my work be seen by others!”

There was a similar commentary I happened upon recently as well, in which a reminder was given, targeted at artists, to watermark images to prevent theft. The comments section was sprinkled with this: “If my artwork was stolen, I would be honoured. It would mean at least someone would’ve actually seen it, and liked it enough to steal it.”

The desperation!

The emptiness!

I felt it… and on some level, I related. The pained longing to have your work seen by anyone – anyone at all! – drives people to say this. How empty social media is, posting work to be consumed and for it to disappear into a void.

Yes, what an amazing feeling! To make that thing you worked hard on, only for it to be crushed by algorithms and apathy, what a ride!

Continue reading I’m tired of chasing the carrot.

Bad Tutorial

The entirety of 2020 I hated everything I drew and it got worse as the year went on. Here in 2021, my feelings haven’t changed and I still hate everything. I think it’s because my hands can’t match what my mind is envisioning, so I automatically assume the worst of everything placed on the canvas.

I bought two expensive art classes that I’m kind of banking all my hopes on for actually liking art again, one of my goals this year is to make something I actually like and don’t hate five seconds after making it or five seconds after it’s done . So far I haven’t achieved it yet. So I’m just kind of lying in wait for February for when the class starts. If I still hate everything after I finish both classes I dunno what I’ll do with myself, really. Probably just delete myself off the earth haha… anyway….

Continue reading Bad Tutorial

I’m Old, again.

My birthday was recently. I know I haven’t posted much on this blog this year. It’s because I haven’t really done anything this year or had much to say. Covid really did a number on us all. I would’ve normally liked to post my thoughts on a couple cons I went to for the first time, but yeah, no cons. So I’m just gonna have one long-ass rambling post.

Once again, I’m one year older, and my birthdays just remind me of how far behind I am from my peers, and how I can’t connect with anyone younger than the age of 25. I shake my stick at the whippersnappers and tell them to get off my fucking lawn.

Continue reading I’m Old, again.

Art Fight 2020 Summary

This year was the first year I joined Art Fight. Art Fight is an annual art trading game where people draw each other’s characters (usually) as an “attack,” and the person in question can choose to “defend” against the attack by drawing the attacker’s character.

>mfw I found out what Art Fight actually was.
>mfw I found out what Art Fight actually was.

I had heard about it from a writers’ discord I’m in. My first impression was that people drew each other killing each others’ characters, which I thought was metal as fuck (literally “art fight”) and was excited to find some 19 year old girl’s bunny OC and draw it getting torn to shreds with sixty pellets of lead. When I found this was not the case, I actually felt really disappointed 😅 and thought the entire event was just a lame glorified thing to draw peoples’ OCs.

Continue reading Art Fight 2020 Summary

Perspective

A friend linked me a post on twitter and in the little promo blurb directly beneath the post was a link to their comic. They said they make 40-60 coloured panels a week, and work 8-10 hours on their comic every day. I decided to check it out, because I was dumbstruck… 8 hours a day on comics?!

The first thing that hit me was how simplistic the art was. The lines were rough, the characters were flat coloured with a simple soft shadow over most of them. The backgrounds were composed mostly of CSP brushes that were laid down very quickly. Not that any of this was a bad thing, because of the sheer amount of content that this person has to output. The art did its job to tell the story and anything more is just unnecessary polish.

But when I saw it, I felt… relief. Like a weight off my shoulders.

I felt okay.

Continue reading Perspective

I can’t decide anything anymore.

Recently E*sy has been cleaned of Jojo content (with rumours that Stone Ocean is coming out soon), more specifically, there have been takedowns affecting every Jojo artist of all calibers, popular and small artist, and a lot of people have been looking at other places to setup shop. Including me.

The problem is that fanart is still fanart, infringing on others’ IP is still Bad, and no one wants to deal with that. Getting your account terminated can happen on any storefront, E*sy or otherwise. I’m not gonna discuss legality of it, but I’ll say that fanart is the reason I can pay my bills, and that’s probably the same for many artists, so you know my stance on it now.

Because of this recent event, my hackles have been raised quite a bit for the past several days due to various things. First, I love Jojo, so not being able to share my Jojo merchandise with other fans who want to buy it outside of cons makes me sad. I love spreading the good word of Jojo and limiting my ability to do that sucks.

I am not fighting the fact that the company wants to protect its IP. That is well within their rights. But this is my second problem: My original stuff doesn’t sell because I can’t create marketable ideas/products and my tastes are too niche.

While looking up threads on this fiasco and seeking out possible other options than selling on E*sy, someone’s comment in particular really rubbed me the wrong way. The short version of it is that they treated fanartists condescendingly and said that their original art does well on E*sy therefore proving that original works are just as viable as fanworks.

I looked at their store and… well it was just animals. Of course their shop was doing fine. Their original work appealed to every person on the fucking planet.

It’s not that simple for everyone. I want to make nuns and angels and priests and religious shit for my original merchandise. Who the fuck wants that? Very few people. Every single piece of original work on my table is carried on the shoulders of my fanart. If I get rid of all my original work my sales wouldn’t suffer in the slightest.

The only original art I’ve been able to sell with sort-of success is anything with Incubus (people love his design for whatever reason), but it’s not like I can do much with that- usually it’s like 1-3 pieces of something Incubus-related per con. Which I consider fucking mindblowing next to my other original shit which has exactly Zero sales.

And, people suggested doing cute animals: yeah, I did that. They sell as frequently as my other original works, which is…maybe one per con. Why would people buy cute animals when they could buy a character they like? The connection is greater for the latter.

I thought of starting a series of cute/fanservicey angels, but I was reminded that nearly every piece of original art I’ve ever done has sold poorly so my feet sunk into the mud, unable to get a solid footing. I’m also abysmally fucking terrible at character design so it’s not like I could make a really stylish character that could appeal to anyone either. I just have accepted the fact that I can’t create marketable stuff without relying on other IP.

It’s easy to say: “Just do it!” But I see dollar signs disappearing before my eyes and more merchandise no one will buy sitting in my already-full closet.

“Art that you love sells! They will know how much passion you put into it! Make what you love, not what sells!” What a fucking joke. The fanart I gave the least of a shit about and barely put effort into was my biggest seller for several months.

What should I do? I just don’t know. I’m so lost.