Numb

The past several months, I’ve lived as nothing but a blob, only doing as much to simply exist. I don’t have any feelings or will to create, I just kind of exist in this space.

Maybe this is nice for some, to do nothing, but to me this is pure agony. My hand won’t move, my mind can’t create passion or motivation for anything.

In a fit of rage, I did come up with an entire Kickstarter in a week, because I saw someone else’s Kickstarter (who I hate) succeed, therefore I was mad enough to magically conjure motivation to do something.

But as the old song goes, immediately afterwards my brain returned to a pile of shit and other than that, nothing good has come from me in a long time.

Since I decided to permanently liquidate all my fanart in favour of making more original designs, the clock has been ticking as I’ve sold several designs off already, yet pretty much no effort has been made to create brand new stock to replace those things. I keep alternating between numbness and acute anxiety.

Though my Kickstarter has succeeded far greater than I had ever imagined, I still feel just as dead inside as if I had never made it, as if it didn’t even exist.

I had mentioned my apathy towards my Kickstarter to which my partner pointed out that I’m only thinking about the bad things and immediately finding any excuse to discredit the good things. It’s weird how much my brain goes through hoops to toss out things that would make me feel good.

I’m not even sure if my brain knows how to process those kind of “good” thoughts anymore. I should be happy; this entire time, I’ve been bitching and whining about how nobody likes my original designs. Well, look here idiot. There are 150 people who bought your shit. Ah, but that isn’t good enough for you…

It never seems to be. Because the excuses are already here, ready to defend me against the positive things.

“They are just supporting me because they are my friends.”

“It’s a fluke. I won’t be able to make something people like, again.”

“People are just being polite.”

When I try to think about the positive side of it, they just seem to fall flat, and I don’t feel anything.

“Yay, people bought my original designs!”

“Yay, I got some extra funds!”

…Isn’t it what I should be thinking? Why couldn’t I feel happy? I only feel nothing. Just numbness.

I keep thinking about creating the things I should make, but I don’t do them. I’m so tired, I have no energy, I have no motivation or creativity left in me.

I hate existing like this.

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SHIROASA

Comic artist and resident blob creature. I love cute stuff, gore, and crying boys.

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